


I Threw It All Away

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, M/M, Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-02
Updated: 2006-04-02
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:37:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12731208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: How will General Jack O'Neill handle the very real problem of "don't ask, don't tell" when he's forced to put his relationship with Daniel in second place.





	I Threw It All Away

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

"I once held him in my arms,  
He said he would always stay,  
But I was cruel,   
I treated him like a fool,  
I threw it all away.  
"I threw it all away." by Bob Dylan 

Outside my cabin in Minnesota, darkness had fallen at least two hours ago. The sounds of the crickets, the distinctive hoots of a Great Horned owl searching for prey and the occasional splashing of fish in my lake were the only things that disturbed the tranquility of the night. 

Inside my cabin, I was drinking my way through my third beer. I was considering dragging out my bottle of Jack Daniels, so that I could get to course oblivion more quickly. However, the names on the black label made me want to weep with anguish and rip out my hair. There was enough pain and regret in my cabin to go around for a lifetime and then some. 

Even my recently acquired dog, a full-grown Bassett by the name of Chloe, was wretched, as she'd made amply clear by the loud howls that periodically punctuated the still, heavy summer air. She'd been out for a walk, had dinner and had relieved herself so I wasn't exactly sure what her problem was. However, it's possible that she'd gotten wind of my track record with relationships in general, and women specifically, and had decided to express her feelings on this score. Now, she was stuck on the good ship O'Neill for rest of her doggy existence, and it was quite possible that she wanted off! I wasn't sure. All I know is that no one at Chez O'Neill was very happy tonight.

That I'd made a muck of things, there was no doubt! I reflected on this halfway through my third beer. Then the tears started. I can feel fairly sorry for myself when I set my mind to it, and I don't have an audience to spoil my fun. So, I finally went and got the liquor bottle because if I was going to be miserable at least I could be miserable and drunk, instead of just plain miserable. 

My life had turned into a catalogue of 'if onlys.' If only I actually wanted to have a relationship with Major Samantha Carter who had been painfully available. If only I'd never taken that God-awful promotion and gone to Washington in the first place. If only I'd never taken the first promotion and stuck with what I knew how to do best, namely be the leader of SG-1. If only I hadn't fallen so in love with my civilian adviser. If only he hadn't found out about my feelings. If only, if only - the mantra repeated itself over and over in my mind until I just felt sick about the whole thing. 

I sank down lower in my tattered old green chair. It was one of those old rockers with the loopy-textured material, very comfortable and well worn, but beyond ugly. I gave Chloe a look that had frozen jarhead airmen on the spot. On Chloe, it had no effect whatsoever. She just bayed louder. Might as well have kept it to myself. I'd found her at the local shelter the day before, so I don't know what I expected. The poor thing didn't realize at the time of the adoption that she was going be rattling her tin cup at the doors around my place. At that moment, she was just relieved to be taken to a new home, away from the shelter, but she hadn't envisioned life at the cabin with me. Clearly, she was rethinking her agenda.

Yesterday, I'd hit a whole new high in my feelings of self-recrimination, having just seen Daniel earlier that day for the first time in six months. He was nothing if not short, pithy and full of anger. He'd moved on, and he let me know that I could just "shuffle off to Buffalo" as far as he was concerned. I promptly drove straight to my cabin, and went to the local pet shelter to take a hostage to add to the feelings of pathos that were threatening to overwhelm me. 

I don't usually adopt pets, especially ones called Chloe, just because I'm feeling sorry for them. However, there was something about Chloe that reminded me of my sister's children. She had those beautiful dark brown O'Neill eyes just like my nieces and nephews, which spoke volumes about being a bargaining chip in a loveless marriage that should have self-immolated years ago. My whole clan couldn't have put a fully functional love life together between them if they'd tried. 

There isn't enough room here to tell you about my wretched relationship with my parents, or the unending cycle of Catholic guilt and misery of my childhood. I went to the Air Force Academy to escape all that, despite my obvious difficulties with authority in the form of either the military or organized religion. Needless, to say the next time I go to mass will be when four members of the SGC carry me in. That is, if any of them have forgiven me enough by then to carry the box in which my remains reside - but I digress.

Anyway, Chloe was getting the full-on O'Neill treatment today. I can be a very sad, self-centered bastard on my worst days and today was no exception to the rule - hence the howling. I could've cheerfully joined in, but the cottagers a couple of miles down the way would probably have complained. I'd put on Madame Butterfly to get that lugubrious feeling nicely permeated throughout the cabin, after which I was planning to put on Tosca in memory of my time in Washington. 

In fact, I had a line-up of CD's planned, and with a little luck I could be hitting "Tristan and Isolde" for the midnight finale. There's nothing like a little liebestod to brighten up your worldview just before hitting the hay. If anyone tells Daniel or Carter that I actually thought or knew about this, I'll deny it. 

Anyway. Yeah sure you betcha', I'd really made a real mess of things. Of my original team, Teal's was the only one who had any reason to talk to me at the present time, but Teal'c could be testy about matters concerning Daniel. So, I hadn't spoken with him, as miserable as I was, because I didn't have a death wish. I'd seen Sam at Area 51 the day before I'd seen Daniel, and I'll report back on that conversation later in this narrative.

The day before that I'd done something that I'd never thought I'd ever do again. I'd resigned my post. So, officially I was no longer a General. I couldn't stand the job of pussyfooting around the Pentagon, so I'd decided to leave. Actually, that's not the literal truth.

Just prior to making my final swan dive off the big career diving board of life, I'd seen a confidential memo that had circulated in the Pentagon regarding the status of gays in the military. There was nothing in it that was good news for any gays in the American military at any time in the near future.

For some reason, God only knows why, I'd been appointed to deal with a coalition of ex-military gays from all over the country who'd been drummed out of the service for "conduct unbecoming." The worst part of it is, they were all very nice, reasonable, ordinary people who were just doing what they were doing to help other people in the future. They knew it was too late for them. It really sucked, and they knew it as well I did.

I'd had a number of lunches with this group. I knew that I was only supposed to smooth things over so that they wouldn't stand in front of government buildings with their nicely printed picket signs or send any more letters on this subject to their local congressmen who were embarrassed as all hell at even having to use the word "gay", never mind talk about it in a public place. It was pure PR, plain and simple. 

Not to mention that the powers that be didn't want this to become an election issue at some time in the near future - no thanks to our friends north of the 49th parallel, who'd finally decided legislatively, that gay marriage was a cool and groovy thing. I'd move to Canada, but I've spent winters in northern Minnesota and cold didn't even begin to describe it. Of course, I wasn't supposed to tell the coalition any of this. I was just supposed to be Mr. Tactful, listen to their concerns and report to the higher ups. Clearly, somebody hadn't read my personnel file. 

I was having lunch with the head of the group, Gavin Sanders, at a nice outdoor restaurant in Washington. That was last Monday. He'd chosen the locale, and was waiting at the table when I arrived. We gabbed about this and that over a cold one, and I was starting to really like the guy and feel seriously shitty about what I was going to have to do.

Gavin was nice looking guy with short dark brown hair, well muscled, about six feet tall with sparkling blue eyes and a Midwestern accent. He looked a little like Daniel, if I squinted at him the right way. However, my heart didn't leap through my mouth when I saw him, nor did I get a big boner, so we were good to go. He'd been an MP in Iraq, Afghanistan and Kuwait before he got outed by a vindictive man underneath him who'd seen him going into a gay bar. They'd given him a dishonorable discharge, so he had no pension to show for almost fifteen years of service, but he had a good permanent relationship with a guy who was a lawyer in D.C. so they weren't hurting for money. It was simply unfair. After the discharge, they'd nipped up to Provincetown and tied the knot in a little B & B over the weekend.

So, he had the wedding pictures out on the table and was showing them to me and it caught me by surprise. They looked so damned happy. I just wished it could've been Daniel and me in the picture, grinning like fools in our suits, and signing the register. Suddenly, I found my eyes were getting slightly damp, and I turned away.

"General O'Neill," Gavin was all gentle concern, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said, "I've just got something in my eye, excuse-me."

I went to the bathroom to fix up what was wrong with my eyes, take a leak and wash my hands. By the time I came back Gavin was looking me over with what I can only describe as "that look." You know the one I'm talking about. While I'd probably given the look before to other men, I'd never been on the receiving end of it until now.

Gavin closed his book of wedding photos solemnly and looked me over, "You're not going to be able to help our coalition, General O'Neill, are you?" He asked with quiet dignity.

I shook my head, "Look Gavin," I said, "You seem to be a nice guy. I'm no politician; anyone who knows me knows that. I'm not really supposed to do anything about this. I'm sorry. You'd need the support of someone higher up the food chain to get anywhere with this, and frankly, in this administration, even without Kinsey it isn't going to happen."

"Someone like yourself perhaps?" Gavin said to me.

"I beg your pardon?" I responded.

"I mean if you'd retired and come out or something," he added.

To this I had no reply; my mouth just hung open like I'd been gobsmacked. I moved my jaws, but no noise came out of them. When my verbal powers were finally restored, all I could say was perhaps the second most unwise thing I'd ever said in my military career, which was, "How?"

He looked sheepish, but pleased, "Oh after a long career in the military as an MP, you get pretty canny about these things. But how is the question I should be asking you. At your rank, you'd have to be so careful about this, you'd have to be virtually undetectable."

I shook my head, "Until almost two years ago, I'd only had discrete, short-term encounters."

"And then?" he asked.

"Oh I did what I always swore I'd never do," I told him. 

"And that was?" 

"Oh, I actually got together with someone I cared about," I shook my head, "And my career and my own stupidity did the rest. Needless to say, I've permanently messed things up on that front."

Gavin looked at me, I mean really looked at me, closely, "You know General, I just have to say one thing to someone in your position. And that is, is it really worth it? You're what, fifty, alone with nothing to show for it. No marriage, no kids..." 

I winced, "You've read my file? I did have a kid. He died."

"I'm sorry, I had no idea!" Gavin said, "But yeah, of course I've read everything in our clippings about you. General Jack O'Neill, divorced, worked most of his life in hush-hush top-secret stuff you can't talk about with anyone. Then I met you and I knew right away. It was something about your eyes. So, General, is it worth it?"

"Nope," I said and meant it, "But the guy I cared about is gone now. So, what's left?"

He nodded thoughtfully, "Jack, may I call you Jack?" I motioned with my hand for him to go ahead, "There's always the rest of your life, that counts for a lot. There are other guys. You could help us, and that would count for a lot too. You must be tired of all the effort it takes to hide this from everybody you know."

For several moments I was totally silent, thinking over what he'd said. I was so tired of the bureaucracy and the bullshit, and all the fucking lies that I'd told to myself, to Daniel and to Sam. Carrying this crap around just hurt so Goddamned much, nobody knew how much it hurt me unless Daniel had a clue. I'd slept with a woman I didn't even love to keep our relationship secret and even she, good old Kerry Johnson, had figured out that we didn't belong together at the end. She just didn't know why. 

I made patterns in the moisture on the table left by the beer mug and took off my dark glasses, so Gavin could see by my eyes that I was sincere, "If I say, I'll get back to you, I hope you understand that I mean it. I can't do anything right this moment, and if I go your way and stand outside with a picket sign, all hell's going to break loose. They can and probably will take away my pension, but I've got enough in a private pension fund to manage quite well. And my folks thank their repressive Catholic hearts, left me and my sister a small bundle. So, I wouldn't be hurting. But there's some stuff I've got to do first."

"I understand," he said.

"I hope you'll also understand if I tell you that I'm not particularly hungry right now," I nodded at him, and then I left. 

I went to my office in the Pentagon, and put my letter of resignation on the desk of my superior by the end of the day. Clearly, he thought I'd lost what was remaining of my marbles and gave me an incredulous look, but I hadn't felt this excited since the first time I went through the Stargate with Daniel dragging up the rear.

So, turning to the subject of Daniel, what can I say? That I fell for him after the geek saved my life back on Abydos, and that I'd been in love ever since he asked me why I was so anxious to die. His idealism, his foolish naivete, his silly floppy hair, his tragic childhood and marriage and his tendency to never ever do what I told him no matter how insignificant my suggestion, it was all designed to get an opera lover like myself all misty-eyed when he wasn't around. Then there was the package - tall, well-muscled, soft brown hair, long legs and the most perfect blue eyes - well, I'd have had to have had really, really bad taste not to notice.

Of course, he was madly in love with the equally bodacious Sha're. So, we could spend lots of Friday nights together while he was still looking for his wife, eating pizza and commiserating about life and the SGC in general. He'd even been known to attend jello-wrestling competitions at the local bars with Teal'c and myself on occasion. He seemed to be interested in women. I recalled various flings. First, there was Princess Shy'la who got him addicted to her Daddy's sarc. Then came Ke'ra who turned out to be an aged mass murderer of epic proportions with a really bad case of amnesia. Then, of course, there was his girlfriend Sarah Gardner who turned into Osiris, Anubis's sidekick and best student. This all led me to believe that Daniel was a slightly kinky, heterosexual male with seriously bad taste in women.

So, if on the occasional Saturday night I had to take a very long ride in my Avalanche to a discrete men's bar in Denver where I'd seek out the companionship of some blue-eyed, brown-haired man who reminded me of Daniel, I still thought it was a pretty good deal. I had no reason to believe that Daniel had any interest in men whatsoever. Nada.

Of course, then the damned fool went and died on me. It being Daniel, he saved an entire planet first then melted into a hideous, bandaged thing courtesy of the naquadria from a planet called Kelowna. So, I cried a lot and generally was my cantankerous self for a year except when the ascended Daniel visited me a few times. I won't say too much about the more personal nature of these visits except to tell you that the ascended Daniel, unlike the one I'd taken jello-wrestling, seemed fully aware of the fact that I was nuts about him. And it didn't bother him one bit.

So, when Daniel returned to us, and turned to me after our first mission and said, "I remember enough." I wasn't exactly sure to what he was referring. I was careful and circumspect until his brain was used as a lifeboat by a bunch of alien entities, and I found myself getting undone all over again. 

So, I spent a lot of time by his bed in the infirmary after Janet had fixed him up, reading to him since he wasn't allowed to do it for himself, and generally watching over him. It was late one afternoon when Janet was busy doing something else, somewhere else, that he took matters into his own hands. Literally.

I was reading some very long, involved yarn about a couple of very short people who were taking a magic ring to a mountain in some place that strongly resembled the original Tollan planet during the volcanic eruption. They tell me there's a movie about it, I wouldn't know. You'd have to ask Carter, she knows all about sci fi movies. Anyway, I was reading and Daniel was recovering when this stray hand grabbed mine. I'd been using it to steady the book, so I protested.

"Hey," I said defensively, "There's a whole pack more before we get to the ashy mountain place. Got to keep reading." The hand was strong and masculine and so warm that it penetrated right through to my bone, and headed for points southward. I've always been like that about Daniel, but I figured he was much too preoccupied to notice.

"Hey Jack," the strong hand continued to hold mine, "Stop for a minute."

"Daniel," I said in a momentary panic, "I'll never get through this thing if we stop now."

"It okay," he said, "I've read it many, many times before. I remember the end. But what I don't know is this other story, the one about Jack and Daniel."

"Daniel," I pointed out, "There are security cameras in parts of this infirmary."

"But none here," he said obstinately. He was always good at remembering things like that.

"No," I said quietly, "None here."

"So," his blue eyes shone out at me, "Just how long have you been in love with me?"

"What makes you say that?" I was guarded.

"It takes one to know one Jack," his eyes twinkled, "And more and more, I remember some stuff from being ascended."

"Okay," I told him, "You've got me. What do you remember?"

"That you were in love with me for a long time, and that you never told me," he said in a soft voice.

"We really shouldn't talk about this here," I said nervously.

"Ja-ack," Daniel said my name in that special way, extending the vowel, making it softer, making it sound like it wasn't even really my name, but the name of some poet or artist, "I love you too," and then he smiled at me. It was just like the sunny smile he'd once given Ke'ra/Linea Destroyer of Worlds, but it was wider and less coy. It was Daniel, Destroyer of Hearts, come to life from having nearly been taken one more time. It was getting remarkably old, and yet my heart thumped so hard in my chest I thought it was going to jump out of my mouth. God, he was beautiful! And it looked like he wanted my sorry old ass, how was that for a kicker! 

"Oh," my mouth just formed a circle and stayed there for a minute absorbing this detail like a sea sponge on a log at the bottom of the ocean.

"Tomorrow or maybe later today Janet's going to let me out of this place," he continued, "And she says someone's got to take care of me. I'm electing you."

"Okay." I really had nothing more to say. At that point I wasn't completely sure what he wanted. Love means so many different things to different people. 

"I want to Jack," he squeezed my hand, "I've wanted to so bad, for so long." He stroked my hand, moving his thumb down the side until it rested just above my thumb. Then he made a little flourish with it, using a softer touch on the palm of my hand. It caused a small buzz to run through my body down my arm. Then he took my thumb and put it in his mouth, his tongue delicately touching the underside. 

There was no mistaking this. I dropped the book and stared at him, "Daniel, are you all right?"

"I've never been better in my whole life Jack," he told me decidedly, "But I'll get old waiting for you to make the first move."

"Crap," I gasped.

"So what do you say old man?" He teased gently and so very sweetly. It was just the way I'd imagined Daniel responding to me in some daydream.

"I thought that you were shy. And that you liked girls," I asserted vigorously.

"Surprise!" 

"No wonder I have gray hair from dealing with you," I insisted.

"Come on, Jack. Admit it, you find it a total turn on that I never listen to you," he said.

"Maybe," I felt myself getting hot.

"So tomorrow or later..." he returned to the topic and then swiftly let go of my hand, "Hey Janet, Jack's going to take me home."

"Well, that's good," Janet Fraiser said bustling into the room, "Because I wasn't going to let you go home alone after all that trauma to your head."

"Jack is taking some down time," Daniel practically sang out.

"Great," she came over to the bed, holding his chart, "The Colonel can take you home tonight if you want. After you're dressed and showered."

An hour later, I'd signed us out and installed him by my side in the Avalanche. He'd played fair all the way out of the mountain, but became capricious by the time we hit the open road. He grabbed my right hand while I was busy making a tight turn, and kissed the palm. That one went straight to my groin. I was rock-hard in zero to sixty. I was going to have to instill some discipline into these proceedings.

"Daniel," I said sternly, "I'm going to have an accident if you don't stop."

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all. Who could've known that he was such a sexy, little monster? I wasn't sure if I was happy when he lay off me for the next few miles. I stopped at the local corner market, and purchased some basic supplies like milk, bread, eggs and butter. I had lots of frozen stuff at home.

Things seemed to be going fine. He was obedient, docile even, when I was dragging the keys out of my pocket and unlocking my front door. For a moment, I thought he'd forgotten all about what had happened earlier in the car and the infirmary. However, no sooner than I was through the door with my miscellaneous grocery bags, than I found myself suddenly banged up against the first available wall space with a very hot, anxious Daniel on top of me.

"Mmmph," I said finding a tongue delving for my tonsils. The eggs, bread and milk ended up somewhere on the floor of my hall. I was just praying that anything wasn't broken when Daniel went for me again. I'm not a small man, six foot three in my stocking feet, and sinewy rather than bulky. However, Daniel isn't a runty, geeky archaeologist anymore. For which I can both bless and curse Teal'c at the same time. Anyway, I wasn't escaping anytime soon. He had me in his arms, and he was kissing me and heading for the vulnerable spot right underneath my ear. 

Goddamn, that man can kiss! It went on and on and on, and I was liking it more all the time because it was just like another fantasy I'd always had about him. Who'd have thunk it? He was sweet; his tongue swept over mine, and explored my oral surfaces like he was planning to suck me dry. 

I was in heaven or thought I was until he fell to his knees. He moaned softly and breathed into my burning crotch. My toes curled with delight, but I was worried about him so I said so.

"Daniel," I tried to sound detached, "Danny," I said more urgently, "Are you sure that you haven't hit your head on something or that you're perfectly all right because I don't want any mistakes about this." My voice ended on something of an urgent squeak because he'd undone my pants.

"No mistake Jack," he breathed, "This what people who love each other do. I love you, so I'm going to do you."

Crap, I gulped at that as he snagged my zipper and pulled. His hot breath hit the front of my boxers as my jeans slipped off my hips with some encouragement.

"Oh geez Jack, gray silk boxers," he said as he inhaled my scent and I suddenly got religion.

"I wasn't," I began in strangled voice, before my head hit the wall and I closed my eyes; he took my hard cock into the heat of his mouth, "dressing for you." I moaned. 

"Could have fooled me," he crooned.

My hands carded through his soft brown hair as he proudly displayed his apparently new found talent with his tongue. I felt my brains evaporate as he deep-throated me and went on to explore my balls with rapt attention. Then he was at the sensitive skin around my opening. We needed to take this out of the hall and into the bedroom. So, I said so.

The bedroom proved just as nice as the hall had been. I got to watch Daniel perform a little strip tease with his black t-shirt and BDU's. For a recently possessed man, he was doing just a hell of job keeping up with the scheduled program activities. The wide, beautifully muscled chest was available for my perusal, and then the pants went down and my mouth went dry. 

Such a gorgeous dick, I mean really! I'd seen him in the showers and snuck the occasional peek when he was peeing, but I'd never seen it at full-mast and ready to set sail before. It was nice and thick, and not quite as long as mine, but it was a really good size. 

With guys, size is a huge bonus. However, when I was about nineteen and just a newly minted top gun, I'd had one girl take a look at the sucker and say no. I wasn't too happy about it at the time, but the old hood ornament has had its fans as well. I'm not complaining.

Anyway, apparently neither was Daniel, who told me unabashedly how much he liked it. We'd kissed a whole lot more, and I'd brought out the lube. By now, we'd also had that little guy discussion about who was doing what. To my delight, I discovered that Daniel wasn't stuck on playing one role in the game, because as nice as oral sex is, I do like getting it on the inside every now and then as well as I like giving it on the inside. Like they say, a change is as good as a rest.

So, he went back down to inspect the merchandise and gave me a rim job with his tongue that made me see stars. Then I could feel one lubed finger inside me, preparing me, stretching me, then a second, then the piece de resistance, three fingers and a slight buzz when he got closer to my sweet spot. Oh God, this was nice!

He came up and kissed me. "Think of all the places that mouth has been," I said. I could smell myself on him, and it was an incredible turn-on.

"We can do this from behind or in front. As I remember, in behind is easier," he said gently.

I kissed him harder then, and held him against my chest, "I want to see you Danny. I've waited so long," I breathed the words.

He nodded, seeming to expect this answer. For an old guy, I'm pretty agile. I opened up my legs, hitched up my hips slightly and smiled at him. He was as gentle as I expected. Let's not forget, this is Daniel we're talking about. He pushed past first ring of muscle, waiting for me to loosen up. This was so sweet, so sexy and it happened in record time. Did I mention zero to sixty in a matter of seconds? 

The sweet, little bastard talked to me as well. That was, as I knew it would be, a tremendous turn-on. He didn't seem to quite believe that Jack O'Neill was bottoming for him first time out, but he made it really worth my while. "Oh God, you're so hot and tight," he informed me, "I'd forgotten," he blushed slightly, "how good a guy feels inside. And did I mention," his eyelashes batted, "that I love you?" With that, he was knocking at heaven's door. He seemed to know precisely where and how hard to push into me, which made me wonder uneasily what he'd seen when he was an ascended being.

"More," I threw my legs over his shoulders and pushed up with my hips, "More," I insisted loudly. He slipping his hand around my dick and pumped smoothly, "Fuck, Daniel!" I screamed as he reared up and slammed into me harder.

"Jesus Jack, I'm going to come," he extended the last word, and his face scrunched up in the same way it does when he's thinking out a problem. I felt him come, wave after wave into my very happy, very receptive ass. Then I launched half way off the bed as thick ribbons of semen hit him in the groin, the chest, the hair and the shoulders. We were pretty much a completely disgusting sweaty, stinky mess of male smells, and I'd never been happier.

We did it two more times before we hit the hay, and we talked about what were going to do about this. I really didn't think Hammond would be amused to find out that I was fucking my very male civilian advisor, and that if he did find out I'd have to leave the SGC. I'd probably keep my pension if I kept my big trap closed, which I can do, but I wasn't sure about how I'd live a life of such complete paranoia. 

At the time we finally hooked up, we just didn't consider the full implications of it all. We decided we'd work it out later. I'd never had a serious male lover, so this had never been a problem before now. In fact, I'd only really had very careful assignations with virtually unknown men until then. But I loved Daniel, and now it wasn't the same kind of thing at all. So we talked and we talked. I discovered that he'd had a couple of experiences with guys, both of them in college, and that he didn't expect me to quit my job or anything.

So, for a year, everything was copasetic. Everything was the same except for the fact that it was completely different, and we were doing it like bunnies everywhere and anywhere we could get away with it. I'd like to report that we were completely smart about this and never got involved in off-world sex, but that would be a total lie so I'm not going to say that. What I am going to say is that doing it in the woods, or in some cave with Carter not that far away, turned into another turn-on I couldn't completely resist.

As for Teal'c, I'm sure he figured it out pretty quickly. At the end of our first year together, I'd had another Ancient device downloaded into my brain and we didn't think I'd have to long to live. So, we were spending all our available time together. I was losing the ability to communication in English, and seemed to think "te amo" meant I love you. But Daniel got the whole thing. 

We were due to take a Hat'ak with Bray'tac and Teal'c to Praclarush Taonas where we supposed to find The Lost City. At that point, frankly I was beyond caring much. For the past two days of downtime, we'd hardly left the bedroom, had eaten take-out and had communicated in more primal ways if you get my meaning. 

So, when the doorbell rang and I trudged to the door with my robe on, I wasn't all that surprised or alarmed to find Teal'c on the doorstep.

"Good morning Colonel O'Neill," he smiled at me and stepped into the front hall. He looked down the hall and saw Daniel emerging from the back bedroom, his hair adorably roughed up from his night's sleep, wearing a dark blue robe. Honestly, Daniel shouldn't wear anything but blue anyway. Teal'c gave me an appraising glance, "Major Samantha Carter phoned me a few minutes ago, and indicated her intention of coming here early this morning. Under the circumstances, I am not sure that it would be wise if she realized that your domestic arrangements included a sexual relationship with Daniel Jackson. I believe that she still harbors some aspirations in this direction for herself."

I shook my head helplessly, "What are you talking about Teal'c?" Sam Carter's problems were the last thing on my mind. Now, I wish I'd dealt with it all then. Suddenly, I felt Daniel's hand on my shoulder.

"He's right Jack, Sam is pretty straight up military. I'll get into my clothes, and Teal'c and I will come back with some donuts in about a half an hour."

So, they left together. Ten minutes later, Sam arrived looking like she had something to say. Fortunately or unfortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, the boys came back with the donuts before lift off occurred. The last thing I needed right then was Sam Carter asking me about my feelings for her.

So, when you look back on it, I avoided the whole issue like the bubonic plague until it came down upon me like a great big Mother ship, the Carter thing that is, and when I did deal with it I screwed it up mightily as you'll hear. Still, if you're reading this account, you know about me and feelings, so what could you expect but a mess.

So, I got frozen in Antarctica, and I don't really remember saying anything when I went under, but I do remember Daniel's blue eyes burning into me like heated coals. Whatever I said, it was for him alone. To tell you the truth, I could hardly believe that he'd stay with a guy like me. I mean, Daniel's a genius and I'm just an ordinary guy.

However, when I woke up, I found out that Daniel was in an all-fired hurry to go with the expedition to Atlantis. That's when things started getting testy around old Rancho O'Neill. We had a couple of really big fights about it, even after we'd settled things about the group that was actually going to go to Atlantis. Just as the group took off through the Gate in Antarctica, Daniel tried to get me to agree to let him take his knapsack and nip on out of there to God knows where for God knows how long. He was all packed up and everything. I was the only thing that prevented him.

When we got home I yelled at him about it, "And what am I supposed to do when you're off there in the Pegasus Galaxy, huh? Sit around here with a dime between my knees?"

"I didn't know your sexual pleasures were so important to you Jack," he retorted, "that you'd prevent a useful member of the team from going to help. When I think of all the things that I might have seen."

"But I wouldn't factor into the equation, would I," I bellowed.

"I'm sure you could find someone to occupy your nights," he snarked right back, "Now that you're a General we have to creep around even more than we did before. The NID, the CIA, or whoever might be watching us is always in the picture."

"So, you'd be willing to share me in the interests of science," I said in a hurt tone.

"Archaeology is my life," he said coldly.

"So I see," I told him.

"My career counts just as much as yours does," he bit back. Now, that really hurt. I'd asked him before I'd accepted the stupid promotion to Brigadier General in the first place. To be honest, I was simply overwhelmed by the promotion. I'd been quite sure I'd never make it past Colonel. I'm not known for my tactful acquiesce to the interests of those above me in the chain of command, not without a fight anyway, and that doesn't earn you promotions in the USAF.

Okay, now here is the part of the narrative where I really start to look like a heel. I make no apologies for my behavior, except to say that "don't ask, don't tell" really is a bitch to live with when you're a Brigadier General who's doing his damnedest to look straight. 

After my promotion, Daniel and I stopped going to bars in Denver and even further afield. Before the promotion, we occasionally even went out in the Springs, although we had to be careful. But afterward, well it was no dice. So both of us really missed it. Dancing with Daniel, well, dancing with Daniel is an experience you have to have had to really enjoy. The man is sweet on his feet, and together we're rolling thunder. 

I'm actually quite a good dancer myself, in spite of the knee replacements, and I actually loving dancing movies. So, there it is. Fred and Ginger, old Jennifer Beals in "Flashdance", Richard Gere in "Shall We Dance" and my special favorite "White Nights" with Mikhail Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines are great movies as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, our relationship was deriving no benefits from not going anywhere or seeing anyone. In the meantime, a CIA agent, Kerry Johnson, had come from the Pentagon to the Cheyenne Mountain Complex to keep an eye on things around the campfire.

Apparently Daniel, for some reason only God and Daniel comprehended, had told the shrink Mackenzie that he was gay at his last psych evaluation. Of course, he was perfectly free to do this because he was a civilian advisor to the military, but old Kerry told me shortly after she turned up that she wanted to know if Daniel was fraternizing with any of the local jarheads. That was allegedly her mission at the SGC.

I asked Daniel why he'd told Mackenzie that he was gay, but I never received any satisfactory answer to this question except that it was the truth. To this, I had no response. If he was chafing at the bonds that were tying him to the half-life of being Brigadier General O'Neill's bedmate, it was perfectly understandable. Nobody who was gay had made it to the level of the military I'd gotten to as far as we knew. 

"He seems to be quite close to you," Kerry Johnson told me about Daniel, "But he can't be seducing any of the younger airmen. My job is to put a stop to that kind of thing." Apparently, the thought that Daniel's dick was spending most of its spare time up my ass or that mine was doing the same thing, didn't even occur to her. Go figure. I'd been doing the dirty deed with men since I was nineteen, except when I was married to Sara, and I flew in right under her radar.

Well, I told Daniel about it. So, we stopped making love at my place - directional microphones and all that - and started meeting either at his place or hotels. It was hell on wheels. I'm good, but shaking whoever was on either my tail or Daniel's, took careful planning. Good old Kerry kept reporting back to me on the fact that she couldn't seem to keep anyone on Daniel's tail for long, a fact that mightily puzzled her, but pleased me to no end. It's nice to know that I hadn't lost the touch.

Then she started sniffing around me like I was a new piece of meat she wanted to sample. Daniel wasn't oblivious to this, but of course neither was I. He knew the stakes. We'd had more words about the next mission to Atlantis with Hammond, along the lines of the first conversation I reported back to you. Bitter words, that ultimately meant nothing because he never actually got to Atlantis, instead he met the tricky Vala - but that's whole different story.

So, Daniel came up with the idea that I should sleep with Kerry Johnson myself. He thought that she was actually interested in spying on me, not him. That was one of the most distasteful things I've ever done in my life, but I managed well enough to sleep with her twice before she allegedly dumped me because she thought there was someone I cared about more than her. By then, she'd heard the rumors around the water cooler about Sam Carter and me from Teal'c, Siler, Ferretti and even Daniel himself. Unfortunately, Sam had also heard the same rumors, which led to her turning up at my house one night when I was entertaining Kerry. Carter was all hot and heavy to tell me about her recent break up with old Pete. So, ironically when Kerry dumped me "for someone I cared about more", she thought it was Carter.

This is where things started to get a little tricky. Carter had tried to broach the subject of a possible relationship with me several times in the past. Sometimes, she misunderstood stuff that I was confused about myself at the time, like when I'd forgotten who I was on P3R-118 [Beneath the Surface]. This was absolutely, in no way Carter's fault. It was my fault. Once I'd gotten my head out of my ass, I should've at least been clear with her, but to say I was afraid would be putting it mildly. I was petrified.

Daniel and I had done a bang up job of hiding our feelings for each other from each other for so long that it took someone like Teal'c to cut through the total bullshit surrounding us and see what was really going on. So when Carter broke it off with Pete, I prevaricated. Then Daniel finally blew up.

We were in some seedy dump that I'd found in order to have private time together. It didn't really matter that Kerry Johnson had moved on, there were still NID tailing me every fucking place. I saw them outside my bathroom window when I went to take a leak in the morning. I could see them two blocks back every time I pulled out with my Avalanche. Yeah, sure I could lose them, but it wasn't easy.

So, we'd just had the most terrific sex in the world considering that it was the kind of place where you really didn't want to examine the mattress too closely. The rust colored bedspread actually looked like people had come on top of it, more than once.

Daniel just broke down. I didn't blame him, "I can't stand it. Every Goddamned thing we do is a fucking lie. I even lied in the report about what you said at the ancient outpost just before you were frozen for what, three months. I said it was goodbye," he played with the hair on my chest.

I kissed the top of his head, "So what did I say?"

"You said goodbye beloved male companion, that's me. I'm your beloved male companion. I'm being erased from your life, the way that Hollywood is erasing gay people from history. You remember that movie that we saw about Troy."

I remembered it all too well: Brad Pitt's nicely rounded ass and his blow-away blonde good looks. "Yeah," I whispered into his hair.

"You remember his cousin, the young guy?"

"Yeah," I kissed the top of his brown hair and inhaled. I wanted to be able to remember for all time the smell of Daniel, the way his hair smelt like rain, the blazing blue of his eyes when he had an orgasm, the way he scrunched his face when he concentrated on making it last. I wanted to burn him into my body, scream and cry, tell him that I'd do anything, anything to make him stay. But I was a fucking Brigadier General, and I'd traded in my love for a stinking uniform that I didn't even know if I wanted to wear anymore.

"Patroclus was his lover," Daniel told me, "that's why he went crazy and killed Hector. You and me and ancient Troy, Jack."

"This absolutely sucks," I said.

Daniel's face was distorted with feeling by now, "You're systematically removing me from your life. You've lied so long, you don't even know when you're doing it anymore. Before we went on that ship to Praclarush Taonus, you were doing a crossword puzzle in my office. You wrote that you thought Uma Thurman was a celestial body."

"I think Brad Pitt's a celestial body," I said lightly.

"I know you do. You've slept with some woman, for what, so that you would be safe from scrutiny from the NID. Now they're sure you're straight," he said, "Kudos and a new promotion for you."

"Well, Daniel, you put the cat among the pigeons so to speak when you told them you were gay on your psych evaluation. Why did you do that?" I asked him.

"Because Jack, it was the truth. All right, I was married to Sha're and that was fine at the time, but this is what I've become now. I don't think I can imagine a future with women any more. How did you sleep with Kerry anyway?" His tone was mildly censorious. Of course, the magnificent Daniel could never have done such a thing. 

"Oh no," I said, "I don't take the fall for things that aren't my idea!"

He sat up abruptly, "Don't you get it yet? Don't you understand? What does it take to get it through your thick head that I couldn't have done it? Capice? I told you to do it, expecting you to say no. No Daniel, I can't do that." He pounded his hand on his open fist, "How did you do it?"

"Why Daniel, I thought of you," I responded. "And it's not like it was great sex. And," I emphasized with heavy sarcasm, "I used pills."

"You used pills to get it up?"

"Yes, Daniel I did. Now, if we can return to the matter of who had this brilliant plan in the first place," I held up my finger.

"Okay, Jack let's do that shall we? Right here, right now you've got Sam so strung out on you, the poor woman doesn't know whether she's coming or going. She broke off her relationship with Pete because she thinks you're waiting for her around the next corner for her."

"A bit of an exaggeration. Sam broke off the relationship with very little encouragement from me," I said.

"Note you said, very little, not none." 

"It would be rude to tell her I'd rather sleep with my dog than do the deed with her," I pointed out.

"It would be honest," he said.

"What do you want me to do Daniel? They're planning to send me Washington next, to do Hammond's old job. Do you want me to come right out and tell them I'm, dare I use the word, a fag" I made quotation marks in the air, "who couldn't be trusted with military secrets because I'd be sure to tell them to all my gay lovers. Is that what you want me to tell them? Because that's exactly what they'll think, right before they fire me and maybe even stop my pension. The day that the American military accepts gays, in the words of our illustrious President Hayes, who is actually more liberal than most, is when, and I quote, 'pigs can fly.' They'll flip out totally! And that's before they do anything else. The only reason I'll avoid more severe censure is because it'll be an embarrassment."

"Well, Jack I appear to be a fag," he did the quotation mark thing in the air sarcastically, "who is trusted with military secrets. Isn't there anything we can do?"

"We can wait for me to retire," I said wearily.

"Oh, is that kind of like you waiting for me to come back from Atlantis?" he inquired.

"No Daniel, that would be completely different," I said.

"And why is that Jack?" 

"Because I could retire at any time and Atlantis is a one way ticket for the foreseeable future," I told him.

"Okay," he got up and started putting his clothes on, "Maybe I'll go to Atlantis then. In fact, maybe I'll go and find someone else I don't have to go and hide out at dives with. I've had it. That's it. You go to Washington, to your next promotion, and I'll see you when hell freezes over." By now, he had most of his clothes on and was heading for his jacket.

"Crap Danny," I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands, "I don't want things to end like this between us."

"Well Jack, you don't want to do anything, do you? So this is what you get, an empty bed." The door slammed and he was gone. I sat on the edge of the bed in that crummy hotel for what seemed like forever. I felt like someone had jammed my heart through one of those wood-chipping machines, it hurt so bad. 

I even recall leaving the motel, a slight mist in the distance over the mountain and a cool breeze that I usually loved along with the bright bluish white overhead lights that lit up the highway signs on my way back home. At one point, I had to pull over to the shoulder and get out of the truck. I leaned over onto the hood, and then I heaved up the contents of my stomach onto the side of the road. Some guy in an ancient battered yellow Pinto even pulled over to ask me if I was all right. I told him that I had a bad case of the stomach flu, and he left me alone. I neither wanted nor asked for anybody's help. And that was the last time I'd seen Daniel alone until yesterday.

I didn't completely blame him. I hadn't dealt with the Carter issue, which seemed to be emerging at the time. Not that I'd seen her or talked to her since the day that I handed the command of the SGC over to General Hank Landry, and she'd gone to Area 51 to work for several months. After the ignominious end of my relationship with Daniel in the bed of a crummy motel, I couldn't wait to get my ass out of the Springs. 

I'd lived there since my first trip through the Stargate with the floppy-haired, wide-eyed geek Daniel who owned nothing more than one wet suitcase, and a recommendation from Dr. Catherine Langford. Now, I couldn't wait to get the dust of the place off my feet. The memories I had of looking up at Abydos through my telescope on my back porch, and thinking of Daniel were deader than the planet itself. Without Daniel, I felt like a ghost haunting the halls of my own previous existence.

My discussion with Gavin had sparked more than a desire for what I'd lost. As long as I was going through the Gate, life seemed to have some kind of meaning. I had been an explorer on what the older Cassandra had once told us was just the beginning stage of our journey. Now, it appeared my journey at least was done, but Gavin was right, I could still do something more. Ultimately, it didn't matter if Daniel had moved on and if Carter punched me in the mouth, I had to move on as well. I'd made my choice.

So, I phoned Gavin and gabbed with him on the phone for a while. Told him what I had in mind. The guy was elated. Hell, now he had somebody who might have a chance of getting the attention of the media. I winced when I thought about it. I might crack wise, but underneath I'm really a fairly shy guy. Visions of Ellen de Generes and Rosie O'Donnell danced through my head. I could just see myself on TV shaking like a leaf, and telling the whole world about gay General Jack O'Neill and the stinking deal gays had in the military.

First, I made a couple of phone calls to make sure that I could get time with Carter and Daniel in the next couple of days. Then I bought two plane tickets, one to Nevada and one to Colorado, and tried not to think about all the things Daniel was probably going to say to me. I'd already made my mind up that I wasn't going to tell him about the resignation thing, which would be kind of like strong-arming the guy into coming back to me. At least, that was how I saw it. I'd just find out what was happening. 

So, I'll skip the whole boring part about getting to Nevada, doing the polite thing with Carter around lunch and driving her to the restaurant in my rental vehicle. As it turned out, Carter was the least of my problems. Anyway, we were seated in the restaurant and I asked her about her research, which got a response that lasted at least a half an hour. I swear, after the first five minutes, I didn't understand a word that she was saying to me.

I watched her carefully while she was talking. She was a very beautiful woman, and I had not a clue about what made her tick. I never did. Janet Fraiser used to know, but Carter was a total mystery to me. She was doing the Carter thing with long words that she sent spinning into the air like plates, and I realized that for all I knew she might have been doing the hokey-pokey. So I smiled, and she stopped in mid-sentence.

She gave me a bright Carter look and said, "You don't have a clue what I'm talking about do you sir?"

I looked at her through my eyelashes, a look that had always made her get all girly and fluttery, and I decided right away to be honest, "No Carter, I really don't have a clue."

She was silent for a long time, then she looked up at me, "You know, this is the first time we've really been alone for a while. After that time I came to your house and found Kerry Johnson there, I thought that you'd been pretty much been avoiding me."

"Well," I said, "I was. But I thought we should get some stuff out in the open. I'm doing that right now. Clean slate."

"You know sir, I really miss being part of your team at the SGC," she said, getting a little misty-eyed.

"I miss it too Sam," I patted her hand and remembered to use her first name, "I miss all of you guys. Washington sucks," I cleared my throat, "So I just kind of quit."

"Oh," she looked surprised. "What did you do that for?" She tilted her head.

"Sometimes, you know how something is right," I said, "But then something else comes along and you know its more right."

"You mean like something more important than the Stargate? I mean, for you personally sir," her face appeared apprehensive.

"Kind of. You know how all these years I was divorced and alone," I told her, "Well, I wasn't really alone. I was just divorced."

She mulled this over, "I was afraid for a moment you were going to tell me that you'd come here because you and I should get together."

This wasn't very flattering, but at least it was honest, "No Sam, I just wanted to be sure that I hadn't left any unfinished business with you. I feel I sort of led you on, just a bit. Not always on purpose you understand."

She nodded her head sideways, "You know sir, I always felt if there was really something between us we would have found some way to explore it before now. Since I broke up with Pete, which is almost six months ago now, I've had a lot of time to think. He was a nice guy, he really was. But I need someone who understands what I'm talking about, and that isn't you sir. So, why else did you come to see me?"

"Well Sam, it's possible there could be publicity."

She thought for a moment, "Why? You know after I found you with that Kerry Johnson woman, it put any thought about a relationship with you right out of my head. So, I assume you're planning to marry her or something."

"You don't like her much," I smiled.

"Ah, I didn't say that," she played with her salad and gave me an embarrassed look.

"That's okay because she was just a CIA plant. I was just watching my own six."

Carter digested this information carefully, "Okay, I guess you're sitting on a big secret. Like you're gay or involved in some big swindle or something." She looked at my face, "Oh God, that's it, you're gay. Damn, am I stupid!"

"Are you mad?" I asked expecting nothing more.

She was silent again for a long time, and turned her head away slightly in that way she did when she was hiding her feelings, "I um, used to think about you a lot. And when you went to Washington, for a while I wondered if you might phone, but then I realized that we didn't belong together. I just didn't know why." There were tears in her eyes now, just like when Danny had died, and I refused to stop working or mourn his loss. She set her jaw, "Honestly sir, I know you couldn't tell, although I wondered if maybe Teal'c knew something about you I didn't. So, you're going public with this then? You'll lose your pension and everything," she bit her lip.

"Yeah, I know. I'm not short for money, Sam. I'm just short on friends, the ones I used to have. Like this really great second-in-command, she'd always carry the ball for me no matter what happened, even when it was really tough. She was the best. So many losses Sam," I thought about Jacob Carter and Janet Fraiser, and the two near losses with Daniel. And so many other good people we knew - Martouf, Narim, Elliott and Charlie Kawalsky - there were too many to count.

She nodded, "Yeah a lot of losses over the years. It's all," she hit her chest, "still hurting in here. You know, I always figured that if Janet and I were lesbians it would've been so much easier. We had so much in common, but it doesn't work that way. I just like the thing, you know."

"Oh that thing," I joked, "I like it too."

She blushed, "So are you going to tell Daniel about resigning your commission?" she asked me.

"I am," I said carefully, "going to talk to Daniel about other stuff. You know, guy stuff."

Her eyes widened, "You were involved with Daniel. How long?"

"About a year and a half," I looked into her blue eyes, "But truthfully, I've been in love with him since the first trip to Abydos. Silly bastard saved my life for no good reason, and then it just got worse."

"So when you wanted to keep working when Daniel died?" She asked.

"I just didn't know what else to do. But seriously Sam, I don't want you to tell him about this. I want to know if it's really too late on my own terms, not because I felt that it was necessary to leave the air force," I told her.

"I don't know sir," she stuck out her jaw in that Sam Carter kind of way, "that's kind of holding back on all the facts, isn't it? Kind of like me not knowing how much pain you were in when Daniel died. I would've liked to have known, rules or no rules."

"What about don't ask, don't tell," I said, "I thought an army brat like you would be really big on that."

"One thing about being an army brat Jack," she said, "Is that you know when a rule makes sense and when it doesn't."

"I appreciate the sentiment," I told her.

"Anytime," she told me.

Then we talked about other stuff for a while, and for the first time in a long time she kissed my cheek when she said goodbye, and she wished me luck. I knew she meant it. I was going to need it. Daniel was not an easy nut to crack.

So, I took a plane to the Springs the next day, a beautiful warm summer day, and arranged to meet Daniel downtown. When he came into the restaurant, a small out-of-the-way Italian hole in the wall that he'd always loved, he took my breath away. I could see right away by his eyes that this was going to be uphill work. He had that tight, angry glare on his face that told me that he wasn't very happy to see me.

"Hey," I said, just drinking in the sight of him. It had been almost six months.

"Long time, no see," he said sarcastically, "The Washington club scene so slow for you that you had to come back here to Hicksville to see the plebes you left behind."

"No, actually, I came to see you." This wasn't going to be easy.

"Just say what you feel you need to say and let me get out of here," he said coldly.

"For crying out loud, could you just sit down and talk for a bit," I pleaded, "I just saw someone in Washington two days ago that reminded me of you."

"Your latest acquisition?" he inquired with a lift of his lip. He did that sneer so well, it was really wasted on poor me when there was clearly a Goa'uld with a Mother Ship out there who could really use it.

"No Daniel, just a friend," I said wearily. 

He was looking very, very tired and thin. Clearly, in my absence, Teal'c hadn't been able to do the job of watching over Daniel to the full extent that the errant archaeologist required, "Okay," he bit his lip, "I'll have a coffee," he said to the waitress when she turned up.

"Look Daniel, while you're here why don't you actually have some food? You're looking a bit thin," I suggested.

He glared at me and set his lips together in his classic, stubborn pose. He folded his arms. "Since you are no longer my commanding officer or indeed have anything to do with my work, I think that this is absolutely none of your business. So could you get on with it?"

"I've missed you," I started.

"You've got nobody else but yourself to blame for that," he said.

"I recall that my position in the forces had something to do with this," I ventured.

"Yeah, you can go on telling yourself that Jack. But I've moved on. New life, new commander, a real hero with a Congressional Medal of Honor. Colonel Cameron Mitchell, I'd follow the man anywhere. He actually listens to me. A new mission, we've done fighting the Goa'uld now. You should know," he taunted, "You're the big cheese in Washington. Watching over all the off-world missions. See much of Kerry Johnson lately?"

"You, Daniel, of all people, should know what I felt for her," I pointed out.

"Which was what Jack?"

"Precisely nothing," I spat, "I wish I'd never seen her face. I did what I did because we agreed it was the best way to get her off my case. You were the one who had to tell that friggin' psychiatrist Mackenzie that you were gay. She would never have turned up if it hadn't been for you." This wasn't going at all the way that I'd planned.

"If you'd loved me so Goddamned much, you'd never have done it," he hissed back.

"Daniel," I tried to grab his hand, "I need to talk to you. I need to see you."

"That's just too bad," he evaded my hands skillfully, "I'm taken. I've moved on. I have a new life."

I must have looked truly shocked. It had never occurred to me that Daniel, Daniel who had actually made me see that we were meant for each other, would have moved on and left me behind, "Can I ask..." I began.

"No," he said coldly, "No you may not. He's a wonderful man, and he loves me very much."

I swayed to my feet, "I'm sorry I took your time. And that you're so bitter." I hung my head, "But you need to know, I still love you Daniel." Then I left the restaurant before anything more could be said. Indeed, what was there to say? It hurt, but it was better to know.

So, here I was, remembering the past two days and working my way through my operatic hits. Half of my third beer was still untouched, and I'd barely sipped at the Jack Daniels. If you've ever had a broken heart, you'll understand what I mean. You know that no amount of alcohol is going to change it, that only time can make it heal. I knew I'd heal, but I'd never find another Daniel. 

I didn't know what I'd do about it, but I'd find some way to carry on. Crawling back into that box they call the closet just wasn't an option. I was on the edge of the cliff now, and I was going to jump. I knew my invisible parachute would open up, and one fine day I'd find someone else. 

No matter what they say, at least opera makes you sure that there's somebody out there who's worse off than you are. I was well into Tosca by the time I heard a car drive up. I didn't get up until I heard a knock at the screen door, even though I rarely had visitors. I was kind of hoping it was Teal'c come to finish off the job of killing me, but it wasn't.

I looked up, and I saw him again just like it was the very first time. He was wearing that brown jacket I'd given him so many years ago when he came back from Abydos. He was thinner and softer than I remembered that he'd been during my last year at the SGC, but his eyes were still the same piercing blue. He was wearing new glasses. I had no idea why he'd come, but I was sure he'd tell me. Daniel always had words where I had awkward silence. I was about movement; he was about communication. It had always been that way. 

Now, through one of those of those extraordinary quirks of fate, I was going to be forced to talk as well. To millions of people about something that which, while it wasn't really any of their business, would make a difference to the lives of thousands of men and women who were just doing their jobs, and serving their country. Most of them couldn't afford to do what I was going to do, nor did they have the rank to get anyone to listen to them. It couldn't have been more ironic.

I returned to my chair and watched him in silence.

"I had to see you," he said with that slightly puzzled look on his face that I loved so much, "Sam phoned me." My heart turned over, but I told myself not to expect anything.

"It doesn't change anything," I said, "I thought you'd moved on. New boyfriend, new life, new military commander."

"Stupid words," he pulled at his bangs and came further into the room, "Sam said you resigned your commission."

I sighed, "For crying out loud, now is when she decides not to listen to me. I wasn't going to tell you."

"And I was going to find out how, when I saw you on The Tonight Show?" he asked me. It was a fair question. 

"Something like that," I admitted, "I would've told you eventually if there was any basis behind my feelings for you." I shook my head, "Danny, I didn't want you to feel obliged."

"Obliged," tears filled his blue eyes, "Obliged, you are such an ass Jack!"

"Thanks a bunch," I said and Chloe made a mournful howl, "New dog, she's not used to living with Jack O'Neill yet."

He pulled an ottoman up in front of me and sat down. He took my hands, "Yeah well," he wiped his eyes on his jacket, the jacket that had once been mine, "I, um, wear this when I feel really rotten and then I remember what it was like to be with you. If I really try, I can still smell you somewhere on it. I never dry clean the thing." He sniffled, "When we were going off-world, I wanted something that smelled like you just in case."

"Just in case I snuffed it. Bought the farm," I offered by way of explanation.

"Yeah," he admitted, "in case you bought the farm. Died. And there were a number of remarkably close calls."

"So says the man who died on me," I told him.

He leaned forward and interlaced his hand behind my head, "Listen to me and listen to me good. I love you so much, and I've loved you so long I don't know how to love anybody else. Nobody touches me the way you do. Even from the beginning, it was like you knew that was what I wanted. Even Sha're, and I loved her very much, couldn't be what you are to me. You need to know you don't have to do anything to impress me, to prove you're a hero. Aveo amicus, Jack! I know who you really are, and I know what you really feel for me. I'm your beloved male companion, not just your friend."

"And your new boyfriend?" I turned my eyes away or I was going to cry like a girl.

"Jack, if you'd been following along with the playbook, you might have noticed I don't move on that quickly," he said quietly.

Chains fell off my heart, "You mean that you and me...?" I made the little linking gesture, and he smiled at its familiarity.

Then he drew his forehead together thoughtfully, "Yes Jack. I had to know you were serious about what you said. I thought you'd just come back to do more damage. And for some reason, and I can't fathom why, you didn't tell me what was really going on. But I couldn't do what we'd been doing before. It hurt too much. Hiding out and sneaking around, I couldn't bear it. Maybe that's why I told Mackenzie that I was gay. But if you do what you're planning to do, you'll lose so much - your pension, all that time in the service of your country," he said seriously, "And you don't have to do this to impress me. You've impressed me enough for one lifetime. You've saved the world, several times over. You don't need any medal to tell you that."

"And all the other people who have served their country, who couldn't even begin to afford to do this, what about them Daniel? Do they deserve any less?" I asked, "All those people who have fought and died for their country, and their country didn't even have a place for them to acknowledge their love for each other. You remember the desperate hiding. Can I really do any less?"

"Now, he gets idealistic and articulate on me," he raised his eyes to the ceiling.

"Daniel, sometimes something is just right," I argued.

"I know," he soothed.

"I have to," I continued.

Then he pulled me close to him so that I could feel his heart fluttering in his chest, smell his breath and the scent of his body and touch smoothness of forehead resting on mine, "My intuition told me you'd be here, I was worried for a while I was going to have to track you down," he whispered.

"You always had good intuition," I remarked.

"I'll trade my intuition for a bed for the night," he smiled.

"The line Daniel, is 'my feminine intuition'," I complained about him messing up the quote from Rear Window.

He gave me a watery smile, and then he kissed me. He tasted, smelled and felt just like he always did, sort of like rainwater after a summer thunderstorm - so sweet, so masculine and so strong.

"I'm afraid I can't do that," I said seriously, "You see I don't do nightovers anymore, just forevers."

"Well good, because I brought my suitcase," he lifted his eyebrow, "Just like the first time." I remembered the old, wet, battered leather suitcase he'd brought to the Cheyenne Mountain Complex when he arrived with Catherine Langford.

"You running away from home?" I inquired.

"I quit," he admitted, "I got another job."

"I see. Anywhere I should know about?"

"The Smithsonian. Hammond recommended me. I'd been thinking about it anyway, you just tipped the balance," he responded.

"Okay and Colonel Cameron Mitchell and General Landry and the lovely Vala," I said in my best inquiring-minds-want-to-know voice."

He sniffed, "Oh I'm sure they'll get along fine without me, although they really need to watch Vala's wandering hands. She steals, you know." He was the past and present master of understatement bless his socks.

"So I heard," I told him.

"Just one question Jack?" He bit his under lip, then pursed his lips, "No, no two questions actually."

I grinned at him, "Anything, big guy."

"The dog..." he began.

"Chloe," I told him.

"Chloe, really? God Jack, how and why did Chloe," he was thinking, he'd get it in a minute, "she was on doggy death row wasn't she?"

"A few days away. She eats shoes, but she and I," I sketched a little circle in the air with my finger again, "we had a little talk and she should be okay. Eventually. And I don't own any Manolo Blahnik's to get wrecked, so we'll just work the whole thing through."

"And the second question,' I tilted my head.

"Well," he sighed, "this is more like a request actually."

"All righty," I got a little closer, "for you anything."

"Could you not play the Tristan and Isolde before we get into the liebestod?" He eyed my stack of CD's. "Opera's okay in the afternoon, but its a little high octane with that fated romance stuff late at night." I affected a hurt innocence. The blue eyes met mine with sure knowledge in their depths, "You know exactly what I'm talking about here. You can stop pretending to be dumb now, Jack."

"I don't know, I spent a good hour with Carter only two days ago in Nevada, and I didn't get half of what she was saying," I shook my head.

"Jack, nobody knows what Sam's saying most of the time," Daniel said firmly, "So the dumb thing and opera in the evening?"

"The dumb thing will take work." I stretched slightly, "I've worked out my routine for the benefit of jarheads and marines so that I can get up behind them without them knowing it. As for the operas, I can play opera at night on my iPod, it holds every opera I know," I said solemnly.

"We'll get one of those headphones that don't leak noise," he breathed, "And so, the guy who reminded you of me in Washington?" he took a deep breath and looked slightly worried.

"Daniel, that's three questions." I told him, just so he'd know that I was still counting, "Anyway, Gavin, he's married. To another guy, he had this little album thingy and they looked so happy. And I remembered that you and I once ..." I drew a painful breath and worked on some control.

"Is that a proposal, Jack?" He demanded, blue eyes now at attention.

"It's more like a wish list," I said moodily, "But we have to get back what we once had, before we can move on to serious stuff."

"Without don't ask, don't tell, you just don't know," Daniel said, and he gave me a full tilt Daniel smile. I'm not going to go on about what happened then, but let's just say I was completely overwhelmed.

So, I let him take me to my bed, and we made love until the sun came up over the lake in the morning. By then, the dog was howling for more attention again. 

Time passed, and we lived in Washington part-time, and at the cabin the rest of the time. I came out to the media as a spokesperson for gay rights in the military, and I really was on Rosie O'Donnell, but fortunately Daniel was actually with me to help field questions when I got a little nervous. 

Inside the Pentagon was everybody I used to know and outside I was with the people with the placards and the petitions. So goes the world. I got to know a lot of people who I would have once considered serious radicals and troublemakers, and I was one of them. I knew we wouldn't get our way anytime soon, but if we persisted, it would happen some day.

So, gentle reader, we got married in at a nice B & B in Provincetown in the back library one rainy spring day, the following year. Sam Carter even turned up with a rather nice man who, as Daniel pointed out, looked very slightly like me. Teal'c came as well with his black hat, and George Hammond came because of Daniel. In spite of our best attempts, there wasn't a dry eye in the room.

Sometimes, people ask me what it's like to throw it all away - my pension, all those years with the military, my time in the service of my country - and I tell them I never lost anything I didn't have already. Fortunately, I didn't need their money. And the other part, the trips through the Stargate with Daniel, Teal'c and Sam beside me, they're buried deep in my heart where no politician or bureaucrat can reach them. When Daniel and I die and go wherever it is we're going, I know he'll be there with me as well.

It's not dying that requires bravery; it's living - facing who you are day by day and moving along with it. This was the first lesson that Daniel taught me, and it took me nearly eleven years to really learn it. I nearly lost Daniel because I was trying to live someone else's dream of what my life should be like, but with Daniel at my side everything is possible. It's a beautiful, big, brave new world.


End file.
